It was me. Despite knowing damn well what happens.
After a lifetime of being me, I have learned that there have to be rules, the rules are there for a reason. When you ignore the rules, chaos reigns supreme. It can be really exciting but it usually ends badly, it’s usually not worth the gamble. Especially if you made up the rule yourself, for a good reason.
One of the rules I have is that I do not cancel training sessions, especially prepaid training sessions, unless I am dead or on fire. Even if you’re sick or injured, you can always stretch & I probably need to, as I am mostly a bundle of nerves that need regular flossing to be functional.
I am very disappointed at myself for breaking that necessary & sensible rule yesterday in order to go and do something questionable that basically just hurt my own feelings.
Why did I do that? Hornybrain plus fear of missing out. Will I be doing that again? Was it worth it? Not really, it would have been much better to stick to the plan.
I make good plans, usually, when I’m not setting them on fire with my wilful gremlin urges.
Rules are rules for a reason. I broke the rules, skipped a training session, and for what? Nothing I couldn’t have had eventually anyway if I’d stuck to the plan. Silly me.
Reminder to Future Lani, don’t forget, never feed the mogwai after midnight, because she always gets hurt when the gremlins come out to play.
It’s ok, I have had a really lovely self care day today while I’ve been processing why I do these things to myself. I went to the nude beach & got some sun on my perineum for the first time in over a month, then organised a date with the gorgeous Mistress Angelique to talk shop & kink & what to do about hornybrain later in the week.
I had an elite brekky, had a delightfully nippy dip at the beach, broke a sweat walking through the dunes, came home & had an intensely refreshing shower, and now here I am writing about how I done fucked up yesterday.
This weeks mantra – be skilful, not wilful.
Lani xx