Buttplugs, Brats and Bitches

This spring has been a reawakening, I fell heels over head in lust with a very inadvisable idea, who tickled my fancies & played into my fantasies. Generally I avoid people who are too close to my fantasies like the absolute plague, as I tend to drop IQ points if my vagina gets a chance to grab the steering wheel & start making important life decisions. Unfortunately she’s a dumb little slut who can’t be trusted. Luckily her tastes are quite narrow & specific & generally I keep a close eye on her if she’s likely to be tempted, but this one snuck up on me.

Porn brain ensued, and I sacrificed about half a cup of self respect chasing a silly sparkly dream until I cornered it and realised it was just a scrap of tinsel with no real integrity, no weight or substance, no permanence. Only good for one silly season. I fucking hate Xmas, for the record. It’s performative & stressful & those tinny carols on repeat everywhere make me murderous, not merry. I prefer real life to performing plastic happiness.

I thought I found a gem in the dirt, and it was shiny & beautiful, not gonna lie. It was very pretty and I liked it a lot. Little bits of tinsel often look like they might be precious until you wash them properly & realise you were getting overexcited & now you look a bit silly getting in your feelings over something so meaningless. The shine rubs off, then you’re left with disappointing plastic crap.

Let’s be clear, there’s nothing wrong with tinsel, in its time & place. Tinsel just isn’t much good for anything other than cheap illusion, it’s designed to trick people into thinking it’s the time of year to have fun & create meaningful memories. If I’m going to fuck around and let that dumb slut in my undies have her fun & drive us on adventures occasionally, she can’t be swinging on strands of tinsel, thinking memory making & fun are scheduled for late December to late January & the rest of the year is a grey streak of utilitarianism & mundanity.

That way lies despair & drudgery. I need every day to be opals and amethysts and agates & galaxy stone – colourful & individual & beautiful & inspiring and magical, or I cannot fly. Tinsel is for normies, ground dwellers who never even look up, let alone fly. Their idea of permanent sparkle is a diamond, the most boring & ugly & utilitarian of all the shiny rocks. A symbol of conformity & a captured mind. Nothing I want in my life. I’d prefer to be tied up than tied down.

Speaking of which, I’ve organised shibari training and I have proper rope, you lot are in serious trouble, I am upskilling again.

I want to have a whole pile of semi precious gems with different qualities to juggle with and sort into cute collections, not a single boring sharp rock to sit on my ring finger. I only want your ring on my finger during prostate massages thanks.

I don’t want unreliable tinsel, I don’t want traditional diamonds. I want to fly, to be thrown & caught & tumbled, I want to be matched in skill & challenged to excel, I want to bounce my energy off of humans who are committed to making life more magical, more skilful, more beautiful & meaningful every single day.

It doesn’t seem fair to keep my eager vageen locked up forever and always though, I have so much fun when she’s on her gremlin bullshit. I loved the motivation it gave me. I accomplished a lot of things in the last couple of months, I feel rejuvenated & inspired.

I am also sad that I didn’t find strands of gold & silver I could use as trapeze ropes, or sheets of silk to lock into with my hips, just unreliable weak tinsel. I didn’t find an acro partner, I didn’t find someone who could fling me into the sky & be trusted to practice catching and basing drills reliably because they want me to be airborne but safe.

The shiny tinsel had potential, but when tested, it turned out it’s not a load bearing rope, and so I made the decision not to swing off of it. It’s not a safe or sane choice. You need strong, reliable, smooth sexy silk for tumbling safely out of the sky, not fake and brittle plastic that will crumble if exposed to the honest and judgmental light of day.

High five me though, I think this is the first time I caught myself before I’d decided to swing from great heights on untested tinsel, and I didn’t plunge unsupported into the ground this time, or break my own heart & lay there crying in the dirt over trashy tinsel scraps. I used my words, stated my needs and boundaries, gave the other party a decent amount of processing time & then accepted that it wasn’t going happen the way I wanted it to & gave them an out. No big crash out, woot.

The big crash out is why Vageen doesn’t get much input in life planning generally speaking. Maybe I can trust her more often after this experience, let her have adventures as a special treat if she promises to test load bearing capacities responsibly going forward. She did pretty good this time, solid 7/10 for pulling her head in on time. We learned some new skills, met a few old goals, set a few new goals, all round it was a positive experience.

I had such beautiful support from my community through this. I wasn’t secretive or weird about having a crush on someone (that might be a first) and as a result I had caring people on all sides reminding me to be safe & to enjoy the moment & to practice my skills & to make good choices.

Special mention to the beautiful kind cuddlebuddy who helped me by offering comparative quotes while I was making dumb decisions, your help was so necessary. A little dose of reality can go a long way, and I very much needed a little splash of cold water in the face. I have a few ideas to run past you next time we speak.

On an entirely different note, I did find a gorgeous gem in my shoe the other day though – a bratty little sapphire I think it was, being a niggling little pain every now and then, a minor source of irritation, poking me at odd moments, one time it made a cutting remark about the quality of buttplug selfies I was taking. The fucking audacity, have you ever tried to get a good close up shot of your own arsehole while you’re face down & quivering & your anus is pulsating like a siren is going off in there? No? It’s harder than it looks!

It’s ok, the bratty sapphire has a much more embodied understanding of the level of difficulty now. It turns out that brats like myself attract other brats, and the annoying pebble in my shoe is a delightful glimmering gremlin who was winding me up & has learned that that is not without consequences. I have a picture of a very red slapped bottom with a little blue love heart in it. That was consequence number 2. I really like giving consequences to cheeky little bitches. So fun, and it does them the world of good not to get away with their bullshit. Level 3 next time, you know who you are & what I’m going to do you

Honestly, the last couple of months have been amazing, all told. I’ve met some beautiful people, had some amazing experiences, and moved steadily towards some long term goals that had been on hold for a minute.